You’ll Never Get to Heaven

Verse (Repeat after me):

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In a baked bean tin
‘Cos a baked bean tin
Got baked beans in

Chorus (All together):

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In a baked bean tin
‘Cos a baked bean tin
Got baked beans in
I ain’t gonna grieve
My Lord no more
I ain’t gonna shout I ain’t gonna swear
I ain’t gonna pull my sister’s hair
I ain’t gonna grieve
My Lord no more.

Other Verses:

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In Brown Owl’s car
‘Cos Brown Owl’s car
Won’t get that far

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On roller skates
‘Cos you’ll skate right past
Those pearly gates

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On a jumbo jet
‘Cos the Lord ain’t built
No runways yet

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On a boy scout’s knee
‘Cos a boy scout’s knee’s
Too knobbly

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
‘Cos the Lord won’t let
No crumblies in

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On a pair of skis 
‘Cos you’ll ski right though
St Peter’s knees!

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On a ping pong ball 
‘Cos a ping pong ball
Is much too small.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In a limousine 
‘Cos the Lord ain’t got
No gasoline.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
On a piece of glass 
‘Cos a piece of glass
Will cut your… finger.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In (so-and-so)’s bra 
‘Cos (so-and-so)’s bra
Won’t stretch that far.

Oh you’ll never get to heaven
In a bottle of gin
‘Cos the Lord won’t let
No spirits in

Good for passing the singing to another person:
There’s bread and cheese
Upon the shelf
If you want some more
Sing it yourself

If you get there
Before I do
Please dig a hole
And pull me through

If I get there
Before you do
I’ll dig a hole
And laugh at you

Good for ending it:
This is the end
There is no more
Saint Peter said
As he shut the door

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